I smile. I laugh. I even love on occasion. But with nearly everyone it is a facade put upon by this one man theater to disguise my disfigurement. My loneliness knows no bounds. I am an empty void that sucks in all that comes near me. I deface, tear down and knock asunder those things that are beautiful, because beauty scares me.
I am terrified of goodness and virtue, of right and wrong, of those things in which people hold the most dear to fend off the night's shadows. I infect their dreams with nightmares. I walk through their sacred gardens, trampling their secret places. I take that which should be pure and I taint it.
I am a monster.
2. I hide behind words behind words. I lose myself to metaphor. I am afraid. I am afraid all of the time. I torment myself. I live in purgatory. Not the purgatory of christian dogmatic design. This purgatory is made of streets and buildings. Their is a lake that freezes when it's cold. Empty spirits make little houses to further drown their dreams in disillusionment.
I have been bad. I have done things that are not good. I have even enjoyed myself.
These are not the things that I wish to partake in any longer. I wish to imprison the beast, if not kill him. Killing will only be the death of myself, as I fear that we are hopelessly intertwined. The illusion has become the reality. The persona created to fight the fear is now in control. You do not know who you are. You are in a police state that is your own body.
Will I ever truly get out of prison? Will this be forever? I don't know what to think anymore. I seek desperately for a sage or prophet to be found within the confines of my small universe. Is that too much to ask for? To find an idea to give me purpose? Is that so wrong? I want to belong! I want to have a place in this world! Why do I have to be the outsider? Why do I have to always be the one on the outside looking in? I want to be part of humanity. I want to be one of you.
I don't mean your clothing, or you music, or the things you like to talk about when no one is listening. I mean, I want to be human like you, not this ghost. Not this spiritual run off from some cosmic waste. I want to be able to feel. I want to be able to be just like you. To love like you, to laugh like you. I want there to be something that fills this emptiness.
I have created a purpose when I could not find one readily. I want to create. I want to offset my karmic tab of destruction. I think it's only fair.
Maybe by trying to emulate humanity in writing, I can become closer to humanity. I will become more humane? I will cease to feel like an outsider and I will not look upon you in scorn. I will not have this acrid taste in my mouth when I watch you interact. But then again...
Without revolution, of any kind, whether it be in the mind or in the government. There must always be rebellion and dissent. This is the natural order of things. Without a devil's advocate at every turn, we will become stagnant. When we do not challenge our perceptions, we do our selves a disservice. Humanity as a whole stops progressing when we stop questioning.
I see this and I want to infect you all. I want to whisper propaganda in your ear and kiss the back of your neck with promises of a future where we won't have to fight anymore.
But for now, let me finger fuck you into a violent fervor. I'm going to pull your hair just the way you like it as I make your reestablish your values. And you know of course that I'm going to bite the shit out of your neck so that everyone knows you've been bitten, just like we're going to tear the throat out of this Ameriknazi beast that has become our empty existence.
It's about more then changing political ideologies. It's about changing everything. They way we speak, the way we interact. The way that we think and process information, but most importantly it's going to be about changing the way we perceive the world.
3. "Before enlightenment, chopping wood, carrying water. After enlightenment, chopping wood, carrying water." This is the coldest statement that I've ever read. You don't need a book or class of philosophy. All you need are those twelve words. Dissect them, break them down, and then when you're done trying to be insightful, sit back and let the words do the work for you. Let them open you up like a surgeon.
If it is to be believed that enlightenment is the highest possible cosmic achievement (aside from actually re-entering the life stream), then the preceding quote has huge ramifications. Enormous!
If that is really the case, that you have to deal with the same issues before and after enlightenment? Is it really that hard to believe, I asked myself. Why would anything change? It's not as though you get heat vision after your enlightened. You don't become super human, you've attained godhead...not god(hood). Despite your mental faculties and what type of change they are able to have over your environment, enlightenment will not allow you to change anything...except yourself. Nothing has changed except your perception. What you once saw as bad, you now also see as neutral and good. That everything contains everything. The rock is a rock, but it is also the dirt when that rock breaks down, and it is the flower that grows from that dirt, and so too is it the essence of that flower when it dies and returns to the source. So it is safe to assume, that the rock is also god.
4. Don't you see the ramifications of this? There is no good. There is no evil. There is no right, and there is no wrong. And yet all of these things exist, and furthermore, they all exist within everything in creation. You, me, this computer, these words.
Unlike the computer, we are able to think and feel and experience. These things give us a bias. This affects our judgment. Things that we once thought were benign, are now malignant and cancerous. This is our blessing and our bane. We can rise to the highest heights of elation, and we can just as easily throw ourselves from that cliff and let our brains dash against the rocks of depression and sorrow. We are fickle and cruel, and we all too often think with our emotions.
We need to transcend this. We need to be above such pettiness.
Thank you for sharing this time with me.
J.
J.
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